I’ve never been good at having to interrupt my work when I’m creating. I was never good at spending my free time on my own creations while working in theater and film. I enjoy my “I deserve to relax” time too much. I just don’t know how to shift gears, let go and change focus. Needless to say being a mother of 2 makes this challenge even harder. As an artist I feel like I’ve had to give up a HUGE part of myself. The first time around (at the birth of our son) I felt like a part of me was in mourning. The 2nd time around, as our daughter was born it was easier as I had already given up so much. Now that she’s here and I’ve recovered a bit I’m itching to get back to that dormant artist within. I remind myself daily to have little goals (little expectations). I’ve brought a bunch of projects home from the studio and I hope to start working on them in the new year. After all it’s Christmas time and I think it’s the first year that creating the magic I remember as a little girl for my son will really matter to him. So in the mean time I’m creative within the holiday spirit.
I often think: “What the @#!!# am I doing ?!?” Those are the moments when I’m not moving forward, fear is staring me in the face trying to get me to loose my way. In those moments I focus in on myself and my deepest desires and breath deeply letting the answer flow over me so I can say with confidence: “I’m following you, my heart!”
I love what I do! There I said it. But what do I actually do?
I spend a lot of time thinking up visual ideas and designs. Sometimes it’s an idea for new illustration series other time I think “I would love to illustrate a coloring book. What should it be?” I love coming up with a style, a feel for that idea. I love the time it takes (A LONG TIME!) to tweak the idea in my mind before I’m ready to try it out for real. I love that I have many projects floating around in my mind. I love the ones that are ready to see the light of my studio but I love the ones that are at a standstill because I can’t quite figure out how to make special and I love the ones that are just a seed of an idea.
I love drawing. I love painting. I love sculpting & I love trying something new. I love how making an idea into a real piece has flexibility and how the idea changes as I work on it. There is freedom and trust in that moment.
Of course as I create my doubts come to visit. Mostly frustration at my limited abilities. Not being able to sketch it out how I imagine right away. Maybe the paint isn’t doing what I wanted, it’s not looking like I wanted. It’s almost inevitable that each piece has an “ugly duckling” phase. A place where I just want to throw it out. I’ve learned that phase shall pass if I just stick with it.
I can’t imagine doing anything else. It’s who I am and to not allow myself to do my work would be like saying I don’t deserve to be. For that reason and the fact that “I know” I have a talent I feel like I have a responsibility to my gift to create. I feel much more insecure about my place in the craft/art world. I guess that’s sort of irrelevant and will figure itself out, maybe? Maybe that’s for another day.
A friend of mine has come to me with the idea of offering custom family portraits. I really like the idea and have been sketching ideas of what style I think best suits me. Here is one of the many I’m exploring.